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Post by hurtubise56 on Dec 4, 2019 5:59:21 GMT -5
One of my single friends told me: "I don't date any more, I just foster women until they find their forever home!"
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Post by alwaysindy on Dec 24, 2019 10:21:43 GMT -5
Why does Santa wear pink underwear?
He did all his wash in one load...
Before I see myself out...Merry Christmas and happy Hanukkah to all!
Tim
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Post by hurtubise56 on Dec 25, 2019 9:43:06 GMT -5
A little long but season appropriate:
Christmas Story - for anyone having a bad day....
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the before Christmas
"pressure".
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and
were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of
the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys
were scattered.
So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot
of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the
cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the
cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the
kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the
straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked
it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?"
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...
MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone!!!!
Brian
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Post by alterrenner on Jan 24, 2020 5:42:31 GMT -5
The Pope recently blessed an a crop of avocados. Now you can have holy guacamole
--Frank
1
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Post by indy on Jan 24, 2020 9:29:56 GMT -5
The Pope recently blessed an a crop of avocados. Now you can have holy guacamole --Frank Good thing he did not bless the fertilizer!! Jordan |
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Post by alwaysindy on Mar 13, 2020 17:18:47 GMT -5
Wait a minute! You’re telling me Tom Hanks is on an island somewhere with someone named Wilson?
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Post by clm1545 on Mar 14, 2020 15:08:17 GMT -5
Wait a minute! You’re telling me Tom Hanks is on an island somewhere with someone named Wilson? You are one sick puppy, Tim. I wish I had thought of that. |
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Post by hurtubise56 on Mar 15, 2020 8:04:11 GMT -5
Day two without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently, she's my wife. She seems nice.
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Post by indy on Mar 15, 2020 12:17:38 GMT -5
Day two without sports. Found a lady sitting on my couch. Apparently, she's my wife. She seems nice.small print warning: your mileage may vary  Jordan |
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Post by hurtubise56 on Mar 15, 2020 12:25:19 GMT -5
Jordan, if you saw how many models I have, you'd KNOW my wife is nice!
Brian
PS - Oh yeah, slot cars and trains, too!
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Post by alterrenner on Mar 20, 2020 4:51:10 GMT -5
I went to a bee-keeping lecture at a honey fest last summer, but I couldn't understand a word the bee keeper said. I found out later that he raised mumble bees.
He was the bee keeper that tried to raise trained bees that could play with a tiny football, but it didn't work out--all he had was a bunch of fumble bees.
He had raised some very aggressive bees, not forming hives, but going out and fighting other bees--called them rumble bees.
To help calm the outcry over those aggressive bees, he bred some very polite, quiet, self-effacing bees that he called humble bees.
Those bees he bred with larger legs to carry more nectar failed. They kept falling down when they returned to the hive--stumble bees!
After several attempts at killing some raiding bees from another hive, the bee keeper realized it was useless. He was fighting Zombees
Have a good day, and try to stay buzzy--
--Frank
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Post by hurtubise56 on Mar 20, 2020 7:11:11 GMT -5
Breaking News: Disney closes parks, blames closures on Sneezy!
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Post by alwaysindy on Mar 20, 2020 9:32:01 GMT -5
Down here in Texas, 90 miles from Houston...
None of the Astros has Coronavirus: they saw the signs coming...
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Post by SWT500 on Mar 20, 2020 14:05:28 GMT -5
Know why you should not pop bubble wrap? Has Chinese air in it!!!
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Post by 2lapsdown on Mar 20, 2020 15:29:59 GMT -5
Down here in Texas, 90 miles from Houston... None of the Astros has Coronavirus: they saw the signs coming... I'm stealing this and posting it on Facebook. Like the Astros, I have no shame |
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Post by alterrenner on Mar 28, 2020 4:30:22 GMT -5
Did you hear about the lumberjack that raised pigs in his spare time? It was just a hobby, but he did keep them in hog cabins!
--Frank
d
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Post by clm1545 on Apr 10, 2020 19:34:26 GMT -5
I told my wife that it was qreat to have someone wonderful to be quarantined with.
She said "it must be nice"
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Post by alwaysindy on Jun 9, 2020 11:14:05 GMT -5
Man: Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?
Woman: I don’t like to bother you at work...
OUCH!
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Post by clm1545 on Oct 2, 2020 12:18:14 GMT -5
A dung beetle walked up to the bar and said, is this stool taken?
Sorry
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Post by indydog on Oct 2, 2020 22:21:07 GMT -5
The Lego Store reopened recently.
I hear people were lined up for blocks...
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AJ
Podium Finisher
I live in a world of bright reds, oranges, and yellows!
Posts: 362
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Post by AJ on Oct 3, 2020 9:06:13 GMT -5
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
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Post by clm1545 on Oct 28, 2020 8:55:44 GMT -5
Question--Why are they called Hemorrhoids?
Answer-- Because Asteroids was already taken.
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Post by alwaysindy on Oct 28, 2020 10:27:41 GMT -5
Carpenter ants are just like regular ants except rainy days and Mondays always get them down...
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Post by clm1545 on Nov 17, 2020 19:46:01 GMT -5
Q- what did the potato say when it was put back into the oven?
A- curses, foiled again.
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Post by clm1545 on Nov 26, 2020 13:09:48 GMT -5
Speaking of food
Stopped at Macdonald's the other day and ate a kids meal
his mother was pissed
Just heard the new Jimmy Buffet song
Basted away in Margaritaville
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Post by alwaysindy on Nov 28, 2020 13:30:11 GMT -5
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me...
Little ole’ lady sitting nearby said “It’s pronounced quiche.”
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Post by speedracer on Jan 23, 2021 1:08:28 GMT -5
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Post by pje on Jan 23, 2021 11:48:48 GMT -5
What took you so long? Paul Erlendson |
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Post by hurtubise56 on Jan 23, 2021 12:21:08 GMT -5
You know, 30 years ago if someone put up a picture of a group of racers, I could name them all! I only see two I know for sure (I think)! That's MY groan for the day!
Brian
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Post by indy on Jan 23, 2021 20:04:24 GMT -5
You know, 30 years ago if someone put up a picture of a group of racers, I could name them all! I only see two I know for sure (I think)! That's MY groan for the day! Brian I could not think of who Bernie is covering up and I could not place the face of the driver in the white shirt - second row right side on the aisle. The rest I knew or figured out. Even figured out who is bending over by elimination. The year was discernable by who is there and the only year they overlap. Answer keyThis one was way out of my wheel house - courtesy IMS Museum Twitter. Did not even try to place one, except Bernie LOL  |
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