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Post by jpeeler on Jun 18, 2018 19:30:11 GMT -5
Once in a haunted house, I was upstairs and a coffin started following me around. I ran downstairs and the coffin followed me down the steps. The only thing I could find to defend myself with was a bottle of Robitussin. So I threw the Robitussin and the coffin stopped.
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Post by clm1545 on Jul 10, 2018 11:30:16 GMT -5
Woman: How many loads of laundry will it hold?
Salesman: Ma'am, this is a dining room table.
Woman: And?
I have already shared this with Libby, so blackmail won't work.
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Post by alwaysindy on Jul 10, 2018 12:21:33 GMT -5
Woman: How many loads of laundry will it hold? Salesman: Ma'am, this is a dining room table. Woman: And? I have already shared this with Libby, so blackmail won't work. LuAnne said “ So I’m not the only one.” |
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Post by alwaysindy on Jul 10, 2018 12:23:08 GMT -5
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
Wait for it...
You take away their little brooms...
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Post by jpeeler on Jul 10, 2018 12:57:07 GMT -5
Guy walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Why do you have that dog with you?"
Guy says, "This dog can talk."
"Come on, now."
"No, really. Hey, Rover, what's on the top of a house?"
Rover says, "Roof!"
"What's on the side of a tree?"
"Bark!"
"Who was the greatest home-run hitter of all time?"
"Roof!"
The bartender gets mad and throws them out of the bar. The dog gets up and dusts himself off and says to his owner, "I still say it was Roof. Henry Aaron had more at-bats."
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Post by indy on Jul 10, 2018 17:28:59 GMT -5
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.
People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple." The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their happy marriage.
The husband replied, "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon, by mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the mule and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and her mule stumbled again. Again my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead."
"I shouted at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that, are you **** crazy!?"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
"And from that moment...we have lived happily every after."
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Post by clm1545 on Jul 20, 2018 21:39:46 GMT -5
My wife told me I was immature, so I kicked her out of my fort.
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Post by clm1545 on Aug 8, 2018 18:56:12 GMT -5
Did you hear about the guy who swiped a calendar?
he got 12 months.
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AJ
Podium Finisher
I live in a world of bright reds, oranges, and yellows!
Posts: 362
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Post by AJ on Aug 9, 2018 9:20:54 GMT -5
My son wanted to know what it's like to be married. I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
Honey, do you think I gained weight?
No, I think the living room got smaller.
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Post by racermagic on Aug 24, 2018 8:24:44 GMT -5
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AJ
Podium Finisher
I live in a world of bright reds, oranges, and yellows!
Posts: 362
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Post by AJ on Aug 24, 2018 8:35:40 GMT -5
I shouted at my wife while she was in labor: "Push honey! Come on and push! You have to push harder!"
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She said: “Stop talking to me you cretin!”
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I mean what did she expect? It's an old car and if she wants to get to the hospital we need to get it started somehow...
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Post by SWT500 on Aug 24, 2018 12:00:54 GMT -5
Invisible Man married Invisible Woman. They had a daughter, but she wasn’t much to look at....
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Post by clm1545 on Aug 24, 2018 14:41:12 GMT -5
In a recent survey
15% of married women said their azz was too skinny
35% said their azz was too fat
50% said they loved him, either way.
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AJ
Podium Finisher
I live in a world of bright reds, oranges, and yellows!
Posts: 362
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Post by AJ on Aug 31, 2018 8:37:40 GMT -5
At a medical check-up:
Do you do dangerous sports?
Well, sometimes I talk back at my wife.
Who doesn’t love waking up, looking at the person sleeping next to you and starting the day with a long, loving kiss?
Apparently the airline had a different take on these thing
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Post by alwaysindy on Oct 23, 2018 18:05:52 GMT -5
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?..............
Ba-na-na-na!
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Post by alterrenner on Oct 24, 2018 6:10:31 GMT -5
You know, there are so many Beethoven jokes, that I could make you a Liszt.
--Frank
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Post by raceparke on Oct 24, 2018 7:14:40 GMT -5
ROTFGMAO!
Rolling on the floor groaning my etc., etc.
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Post by alwaysindy on Nov 5, 2018 13:36:02 GMT -5
I had an exciting day yesterday...I met Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother!....his name is Broco Lee...
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Post by sandysixtysfan on Nov 5, 2018 16:58:53 GMT -5
Did you meet their cousin, Ba Na Na?
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Post by pje on Nov 16, 2018 14:28:32 GMT -5
Ok. Heard this on Sirius XM the other day. A truck full of eggs crashed on the highway. Firefighters had to scramble to get there. They said they never sausage a thing.  Paul Erlendson |
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Post by alterrenner on Nov 17, 2018 8:10:59 GMT -5
The trouble with egg puns, is a lot of people can't take a yolk! On the other hand, a lot of people hear an egg joke and crack-up.
Sorry about the bad puns--I'm not really a comedi-hen, I just have an egg-cyclopic knowledge of egg-sploration. Guess that comes from my egg-sulant egg-ucation.
I've got to stop now, before you guys think I'm an egg-o-holic! Won't be long before I start sing kari-yolki, and be forced to move to Yolk-lahoma, or maybe San Di-Eggo, visiting a Starbucks and ordering an egg-spresso, forever known as Frank, the practical yolkster.
Egg-scuse me. I'm leaving now. I'm egg-sausted!
--Frank
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Post by alwaysindy on Nov 17, 2018 11:13:36 GMT -5
Why do mermaids wear seashells?...
“B” shells are too small, and “D” shells are too big...
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Post by pje on Nov 17, 2018 16:20:53 GMT -5
(rofl)We really need a “groan emoji” for this thread.  Paul Erlendson |
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Post by alterrenner on Nov 18, 2018 18:34:46 GMT -5
Why do mermaids wear seashells?... “B” shells are too small, and “D” shells are too big... I knew a mermaid, years ago! Very capricious--she once crossed an ocean, just to get to the other tide. We broke up, though, too expensive for me to pay for all our adventures. She wouldn't carry any cash, kept it all in a nearby river bank, and she was so conscious of her weight--always had her scales with her! She was a real prude, too! once took her to a dive-in movie, and she got embarrassed when she saw a ship's bottom! --Frank |
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Post by clm1545 on Nov 18, 2018 20:49:15 GMT -5
A hamburger walked into a bar, and ordered a beer.
Bartender said, sorry we don't serve food here.
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AJ
Podium Finisher
I live in a world of bright reds, oranges, and yellows!
Posts: 362
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Post by AJ on Nov 19, 2018 8:23:46 GMT -5
I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.
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But she figured out I was only after my money.
Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
And more importantly, where is my hamster?
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Post by indy on Nov 19, 2018 9:43:02 GMT -5
Where did Noah keep all the bees?
In the Ark Hives.
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Post by speedracer on Nov 19, 2018 21:44:23 GMT -5
Beethoven was a great composer. Whats he doing now.....decomposing! |
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Post by clm1545 on Nov 20, 2018 22:25:15 GMT -5
I had my eyes checked, and was told I had become colorblind. That news came right out of the green.
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Post by pje on Nov 21, 2018 12:46:20 GMT -5
So this guy just drove by me shouting “ the end of the world is near”!
I think it was Farmer Geddon.
Paul Erlendson
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